BEFORE YOU WRITE

1. Take a deep breath. Seriously! In through your nose and out through your mouth. Breathe in like you are smelling the most beautiful scented flower and breathe out like you are blowing up a balloon. Have this breath last longer than normal. Maybe make a little sigh sound out loud. This will help calm you.

2. Remember that there is nothing serious going on here. You are about to put pen to paper and write in a card, that’s it. You’ve done this many times before. Sure, the circumstances may be different, but the action is not. You can do this. You are good at this. Tell your nervous system that it can relax.

3. There is no perfect thing to say. Don’t aim for perfection, aim for authenticity. Thinking of the person, buying them a card, and then giving it to them is an act of kindness and caring in itself. Your words enhance that, but they are only part of the story.

4. Scratch paper is your friend. You can always write out what you want to say on scratch paper and then copy it over to the card when you are satisfied.

WHAT TO WRITE

1. Speak from your heart. You might focus on unique qualities about who died. “Your grandmother made the best pistachio cake, she will be greatly missed."  If you don't know them, focus on supporting the person receiving the card. "Call me, I’m here for the good days and bad days.”

2. Make sure the focus is on the situation, not you. Your person doesn’t need the additional burden of carrying your feelings OR your opinions right now. Check over your words to make sure there aren’t a list of “I/you” statements. (I know you are…, I can’t imagine how you…, I feel like you must be…) 

3. Keeping it simple is okay. Sentiments will vary based on your relationship with the person receiving the card as well as who in their life died. Something like, “This is never easy, but you are loved and supported.” or “Max was a special dog; he made us laugh. You gave him such a good life.”, might be all that’s needed. 

4. Specific offers are best. Avoid saying “let me know if you need anything”. Instead, offer to be there by “dropping off dinner, picking up your kids, babysitting, late night calls, early morning walks, big hugs, funny memes”, whatever it is you can support with. 

AFTER YOU WRITE

1. Kudos to you! You showed up, and that’s not nothing. 

2. Don’t expect a response. Your person might have so much going on that they can’t check their mail, let alone open it. The thought of seeing another “I’m sorry for your loss” card might have them avoiding their doorstep as well. They also might not have the energy to respond or reply, and that’s okay. Your small token of kindness will still be appreciated.

3. Set reminders. Aim to check in after 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, and a year. No one should have to suffer in silence, and they might not bring it up unless you do.

Showing up for someone, even when you are feeling uncomfortable, is like exercising any other muscle...

The more you do it, the easier it gets! 

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