What is a Death Cafe?
- 3 min reading time
At Deathday Cards, our mission is not only to provide sympathy cards that enable people to show up for each other more easily and more authentically, but also to expand people’s comfort zones around death and dying in general.
So, how can you become more comfortable with death without experiencing a loss yourself, or jumping headfirst into the death care industry? Let me introduce you to Death Cafes.
What is a Death Cafe?
You might be imagining a new, trendy coffee shop where everyone dresses in black and wears veils and orders drinks named after dead celebrities, but that is far from the reality. Death Cafe is a gathering where “people, often strangers, gather to eat cake, drink tea, and discuss death”. They can take place anywhere, and are often held in libraries, community spaces, churches, and even people’s homes. They started in the UK, but now take place worldwide and are becoming more and more mainstream. It’s simply a set time and place to talk about death and dying, hopefully with good snacks.
What Happens?
While the chat is facilitated, there is no real agenda. It doesn’t exist for grief support or counseling, it’s purely an arena for discussion. There may be one large group, or there may be several smaller ones. Often there are prompts available if the discussion slows, but typically people have a lot to say once they start talking. And there is no right or wrong way to participate, you may simply observe, or you might have a lot to contribute to the conversation, all are welcomed.
Facilitators will vary by group. They may be a Death Doula, Grief Counselor or Advocate, Psychotherapist, or work in the deathcare industry. Often they have suffered the loss of a loved one themselves.
Why check it out?
Some groups claim the objective of Death Cafe is to discuss mortality in order to “help us all make the most of our finite lives” or “take time out to remember what really matters.” From what I have experienced in the few that I have attended, what attracts people to a Death Cafe is the fact that permission is already granted to talk about death. In American society, death is still taboo, it’s talked about in hushed voices and only in certain places around certain people. When it is discussed, it’s often exaggerated or minimized, or there’s appropriateness and decorum attached to it. People don’t always have an outlet to express their fears, ask questions about dying, tell a story about a near death experience, or share bewilderment about other people’s reactions to death. Death Cafe can be that outlet! It’s a thoughtful environment where people can express their curiosity about mortality, without being called weird or morbid.
Hearing other people’s experiences and points of view naturally expands our own, sometimes bringing up new questions, or answering questions we didn’t even know we had. What can be done with me after I die? Do I have options on how to die? How do I cope with the unexpected death of others? How can I show up for someone facing their own mortality? If you’ve ever had any of these thoughts, Death Cafe is a great place to say them out loud, and perhaps meet a few people expanding their comfort zones as well.
Want to attend one, or host your own Death Cafe?
Visit DeathCafe.com to locate existing Cafes near you and discover additional resources. They consider themselves a 'social franchise', which means people can easily sign up and utilize their guide and principles, so think about starting one if there isn’t one near you yet.
Until next time,
Lindsay
